I have these moments sometimes where the “new” me is so close within my grasp I can almost reach up and touch her. Let’s call her “Finished Margaret”.
Finished Margaret’s mindfulness practice is highly developed. She never dissolves into a stressball for up to 30 minutes (or longer!) before stepping out of the narrative and calming herself down. She’s super organized too, she definitely is on top of her given daily, weekly, monthly, etc tasks. She definitely never misses a run because she wants to sleep in. Nope.
Basically, she just stands up on her pedestal with her awesome hair while I stumble around on the ground feeling messy.
It’s quite a story isn’t it? That’s quite an image to compare myself against as I go through my daily life. Trying to hold myself against an impossible standard.
That happened to me on Friday evening last week. I reacted to a stressful situation by… getting stressed out. Then stressing about being stressed. Then being upset with myself for being stressed, because I meditate dangit. It was a real fun time.
Luckily, these moments of “compare and despair” are coming less and less often.
I’m getting faster at recognizing the story as it happens, taking a couple deep breaths, and reminding myself that wherever my adventures take me I am still a human being. I am allowed to be messy, it doesn’t make me unworthy.
I still remember back in the early days of this blog when I saw my path as a staircase. I was completely caught up in my own perfectionist tendencies, it took a real shock to wake me up to the possibility that I was already fine.
It’s much easier to be me these days. Things don’t always go smoothly, I don’t always react the way I want to; I forgive myself readily and just move on.
That’s real freedom, and I’ll take it over perfection any time!