I woke up this morning feeling bruised and fragile, and with an inability to get settled. The only thing that sounded appealing was to get under the covers and have a good cry. As the morning went on and I got ready for work, I kept getting more and more agitated. I knew it had something to do with a conflict I’d had the day before; one that involved realizing a person I love and admire thinks less of me than I had realized. It wasn’t pleasant, but I thought it was handled.
Once I actually got out of my apartment, I realized that it wasn’t handled. I was sad and not acknowledging that fact. I realized that I needed to sit and be sad for a bit. I thought back to a conversation I had last week with my friend and colleague, Amanda Leuthardt, about the difference between acknowledging feelings and acting on them. I was attempting to ignore my sadness, and it was trying to come out on its own.
The solution to this agitation didn’t take much, but I wouldn’t call it easy. I found a quiet place to sit and gently said hello to my sadness. I acknowledged and accepted it, and sat with it for a time. I changed positions a couple of times, until I got comfortable (in my original position, no less). I felt a little nauseous, and like something was stuck in my throat (as an aside, it is way past time for me to read up on Chakras, because I bet this is straight out of a textbook). I just kept sitting, and allowing things to surface. Eventually I shed a few tears, and then felt my breath change. The nausea and throat congestion were gone, and I felt at peace. The conflict still happened, and I still feel a little sad about it. I no longer feel agitated or restless, and I can go about the rest of my day feeling grounded and centered; I can let go of the weight of the aftermath.
It took a lot of time, effort, and help from various professionals to get to a point where I could access this tool. It’s an ability I hope we can all find. I think of it as approaching my feelings with a gentle, “Hello ___” rather than a sword or a shield. This is powerful, powerful stuff, and I am so grateful to be learning more about it all the time.